Hazelnuts

Preface

As all things often do, it all starts with a choice. A choice to get out there and live. Simple as it may seem, it was not an easy thing for me to do. i tend to live mostly inside my head. i can’t help but overthink everything in general. That’s my core. i experience things from a distance. Which is ideal for me, but you can’t live your life like this. Not always.

  Everyone is scared for different reasons. i know i have mine. Everyone has a version of their own. But you shouldn’t let the anxious, uncomfortable feelings stop you from experiencing life. You only have one. ideally, you should put yourself out there every once in a while. The human brain is kind of like a home. A home needs good ventilation and plenty of sunlight. The windows are crucial. if you don’t open the windows from time to time, it’ll start to feel heavy due to the absence of fresh air. You need fresh air. And you need to open the windows from time to time.

  Even if it doesn’t work out, you, at least, will have lived an experience, and will probably have a story of your own to tell. You’ll have a proud feeling that reminds you of this simple fact that—you tried. i know i have. Hurt feels bad, i know. And sometimes, almost to the point of dying. But it is what it is, and it is what you make of it. That’s life. As my dad used to say, no risk, no game. But regardless of whatever happens—you’ll be okay, eventually. Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. Everything ends. Nothing lasts forever. Not the feelings, nor the hurt. Life goes on, as it always does. And so will you, eventually.

  Certain things in life… you just don’t get to choose. They happen to you whether you like it or not. And the choices you make in those situations can lead you to places you never thought you’d go. And that is the gift of the unexpected. For better or for worse.

  i love stories. i love movies. And so, i signed up for a 7-day internship at a movie theater. Just to see how it all works behind the scenes. i had no expectations, i was just going there for a change. Because most of the time, i sit here as i am now, and do my little things. i write, and i make computers behave in a certain way. And i watch a lot of stories. For stories make me experience the things i wouldn’t, otherwise.

  There comes a point when you have to be real with yourself and accept the simple fact that you can’t have everything. You need to accept things for what they really are, and not what you'd like them to be. You need to face sobering reality. Giving up on certain possibilities… it sucks, yes. But it also frees you to try something new.

  The past is to reflect,

  to smile,

  and to learn.

  Life goes on.

  Life always goes on.

  And so will i...

i like the idea of possibilities. i love chasing things that don’t exist. This is my life. For better or for worse.

The Unexpected

Through the traffic of the city, i reached the theater. And this is day one. As i said—i had no expectations. i was looking for nothing in particular. The place was a stranger to me and i was a stranger to it. i was anxious, as i always am. And then i saw her walking in with her classmates. She had a strong resemblance (except for the glasses) to the only person on this Earth that i was trying to get away from. The shadow. Her. And i was rendered speechless.

  i’m looking at her, thinking, what are the chances? i try not to make her uncomfortable by staring. But what was i even looking at? She, as who she is? Or her? The shadow? Whenever i looked at her, she reminded me of her. She introduced herself two times as we were introducing ourselves to the class, and i didn’t catch her name until the third day of our internship at a different theater. i guess i was too busy projecting something that wasn’t there... that’s me.

  i was stunned to see her—as simple as that, and as complicated as that. Anyway, i don’t chase butterflies. i try to be the flower. i remember when i was a kid, i used to catch butterflies. it was sad. Their wings would get messed up, and sometimes, broken just because i wanted to have something without understanding the nature of it. The thing is—you don’t catch butterflies. You try to become the flower it lands on. it is more beautiful that way. Poetic, even. And this way, you don’t accidentally break their wings.

  i was feeling happy for the first time in a long, long time. Ecstatic, even. i went home humming and listening to the album Entergalactic by Kid Cudi. One of my all-time favorites. it was a good day. This is why i say—unexpected things are among one of the best of things in life. i love the idea of possibilities.

  i feel like just a couple days ago, i was an entirely different person. Oblivious to myself. And saying things like... “To be honest, i’m running out of reasons… i’m just 21 and i’m tired. i feel ancient, like—i’ve been here, and i’ll be here again. Everything feels predicted, almost to a point of mockery. Something happens, and i’ll be like: yeah, what’s new? i don’t know what is happening to me. i can’t seem to be in the present. i spend most of my time inside my head—thinking, wishing, dreaming, imagining, and basically living inside it.”

  Analysis used to be my baseline. Just existing, for some reason. To me, living felt like a distant experience. Something that i thought i wasn’t capable of. Here’s something that i wrote just the day before i met her.

  “i do think about settling down, sometimes. But given another thought, it becomes clear to me that it won’t work out. Not for me. The river is just too wide to get across. And there’s no worse feeling than getting tired in the middle of it. The best scenario—some magical lifeboat comes to the rescue. But it is rarer than you’d think. in most of the cases, people drown with no help in sight. Some manage to gather the courage to just keep going, but courage will only get you so far. Me, i don’t know how to swim, yet. And so, i watch it all happening from the safety of the shore. Unable to help, and yeah—it’s a fucking rainforest. Anyway, i try to avoid getting hurt. But to be honest, i just don’t want to hurt anybody. i know the hurt. i’ve been there. it seems thrilling or even comedic from the sidelines, but when you’re in it, it’s hell. People say—that’s the risk. And i get it. But i don’t like taking unnecessary risks. And so, there goes the hope of me settling down. i’m damned and i know it. But someday, i will take that risk though. But that day isn’t today. Today is Tuesday.”

  Then, i saw her and my whole philosophy broke down. And i love it. This proves to me that i’m a human being like any other. You can escape many things. However, you cannot escape the simple fact that you’re a human being, after all. Just because you understand something, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re above it. The same set of principles apply to you, too, just like every other human being existing on this planet.

Analysis

She is not her. And she never will be. As simple as that, and as complicated as that. She is her own person. And not the idea that lives only inside your head. Even “her” cannot compete with the idea of her. it is an idealized reconstructed version of her, and not her. it is unfair to ask someone to be perfect. Are you? Perfect? i didn’t think so. You need to treat her like a real person with flaws. You need to accept her for who she is, and not who you’d like her to be. She is not her. And she never will be. You need to understand this before moving forward.

  My biology compels me. i’m attracted to her physical appearance. But i don’t know her. Hell, i don’t even know her name, yet. So, do i like her? Or am i just attracted to her? is this just simple biology, or do i have a choice here? How can i like someone i don’t know? it doesn’t make sense. Do i like her? Or do i like who she reminds me of? Or the way she makes me feel? Or the narrative that i’ve built around it? in other words—is it her? Or the idea of her?

  i could just go and talk to her and see where it leads. Forget about all this nonsense. But from the analysis, it seems very unlikely that it’ll work out. She couldn’t be more different than me. She seems… simple, elegant, and just beautiful. Exactly the opposite. Me, on the other hand: i’m just looking for reasons to stick around here a bit longer, and i don’t think that i’m beautiful. i might be, but i just don’t know. i don’t know who i am anymore. i become whoever i need to be. i know who i used to be, but nowadays, i just don’t know. Maybe she is exactly what i need—grounding.

  i don’t know what i’m going to do, nor do i have a plan. Me, a high school dropout. And she is learning some business things in college. i don’t even know how to introduce myself. What would i even say about who i am? i’ve literally reconstructed my entire identity. Down to my very name. My life is an uncertainty. And she seems like a constant. Maybe i need a constant. Maybe i need some grounding. She seems like a way to balance myself. But on the other hand, she could also be the one who pushes me off the edge.

  i don’t know her. Not really. From what i’ve gathered, she seems like a normal girl. And i like her for her simplicity alone. The world doesn’t need another me. Maybe she could be the simplicity i need. But then again, that is just my imagination running wild. i don’t even know if she likes me, yet. And i certainly haven’t given her any reason to. But that’s on me.

  Enough analysis. i need to make a choice. But choices have consequences. Yeah, i’m a little scared, right now. i’m scared of who i’ll become if i make a certain choice here. The choice to let her in for who she is. it is scary. i am genuinely scared for me. i haven’t felt like this in very, very long time. And still, not like this. This is getting too intense, too fast.

The Force of Attraction

i have no words for the things i feel. But i’m trying—trying to put those feelings into words. Today i talked to her. Not about anything in particular, just small talk. (i hate small talk.) She seems… cool. Yeah, that’s the word. There is a calm kind of rush running through my body when i feel her walking beside me. A simple touch, as accidental as it may be, it feels as if i have someone. Just me and her wandering the halls… When she’s beside me, i feel whole. i feel as if this is everything. This is all i need.

  Honestly, with her walking by my side, i could spend the entire day walking and will not complain. Although she did get tired after a while and sat down, and i was pretending that my feet were fine. My overthinking stops when she’s around. i’m completely there, in the moment. Experiencing, observing, and observing those experiences. All i can think about is her. i remember... we were sitting in the conference room. She was sitting adjacent to me. i could feel her looking at me. And i was just looking for reasons to look back and smile. And after i saw her smiling back, i’d look up to the ceiling, close my eyes, and smile with my entire body. it was some magical shit. i haven’t smiled like this in ages.

  Today i found out that she doesn’t drink coffee. And i was like... whaat? i’m thinking... how can someone manage to stay conscious without coffee? And then she said that her doctor told her not to drink coffee. And i’m like... no. But then she said, it helps her with her anxiety. And i was like... really? i have anxiety and i love coffee. i mean, it’s understandable. But me, oh boy! i thrive on it. i suck it up and do the things i’d rather not. You know? But i admit, it does get a little heavy sometimes. Yeah, it happens a bit more often than i’d like to admit. And so, i completely understand her condition. i’ve cut back on my caffeine intake for a while, and everything is good. You know. Coffee’s good. But don’t abuse.

  Anyway, she was confused about coming there tomorrow due to the distance from her place, and i offered to help. i said: How far is your place from here? She said: 6 kms. i said i could pick you up tomorrow, if you want. it’s not a big deal. And then she said: no, that’s not the problem. But yeah, that was exactly the problem. i don’t know why i did that. No one likes to take a ride with a stranger. Everyone knows this. We all have Uber on our phones. Such an idiot, huh? Yeah. But i offered to help anyway—i tried. And you can’t take that away from me. That’s the beauty of trying.

  On my way out, i waved her goodbye and she waved back with a smile. i still remember that smile. That was kind of everything.

The Art of Realization

Yeah, that’s romantic. But sadly, the reality isn’t. i was trying to avoid certain things. But eventually, it catches up. You can’t ignore the facts. i knew deep down—i knew. i knew it won't work out. She's too different. Don't ger me wrong, she's just herself. And i understand the fact that she will never be her. Because the idea of her is just a figment of my imagination. There is nothing wrong with her. She is just her. As most people often are. Who am i to say how people should live their lives? Or who they should be? i don't even like the way i live. And at times, i certainly don't like who i've become. But this is just who i am now.

  Yes, i'm attracted to her physical appearance. i don't know why. Okay, maybe i do, a little. But still, she couldn't be more different than me. Even though we do seem to share some set of similarities. Like she's good. “She feels like everything i'd ever need. When i see her, my whole body smiles. When i feel her presence, my brain literally shouts—come on, you're killing me. Just hold these hands already. Take me in your arms, and i shall never need anything else ever again. Kiss me, and i've lived.”

  The attraction is real. But she's also just... everything that i don't necessarily agree with. Everything that i’m running away from. i think that i can try to accommodate her lifestyle. But that will just drain me from the inside. i somehow understand this. it's like we're in two different places. The gap is just too wide. And i go like... if you know that it is not going to work out, then why even bother trying? Just to hurt her later when things don't work out. But that is just one of the many possibilities. We could also live happily ever after. it’s possible.

  The point is—you don’t know. You can’t. No one can accurately predict the future. You don’t know her very well, yet. Maybe it turns out even better than you’ve imagined, or not. Who knows what the future holds? And if you don’t try, you’ll never know.

Goodbyes

What a word, huh? Goodbye. it seems simple on the surface. Reading the words is… one thing. And understanding them is another. But bearing their weight—an entirely different dimension.

  Everything ends. Nothing lasts forever. Today, i will be seeing her for the last time. After today she will go her own way, and i will be back to my tragic self. i know this. i understand the reasons as to why it probably won’t work, but i want to try anyway. For her. And for me, too. i want this—no, i need this. i need her. Today i’ll talk to her, and if it all goes well... maybe i’ll ask her on a date. Let’s try. What’s the worst that can happen? She says—no. Okay. Then we’ll move on. Simple. Forcing things is just not my nature. it almost never works out.

  i can’t lose her, because i never had her. So, what am i even clinging to? The fantasy of us being together. To be honest, i’m scared and i don’t feel like going there today. i’m scared to ask her out. And even more scared to say goodbye. i’m scared shitless. But when have i ever backed down from an imminent fight? We used to wrestle as a sport for crying out loud. That’s not us. We avoid certain things, yes, because we understand the nature of it. But we face things when necessary. That’s us. We try. And you always say—trying is the most human thing we can do. So, please... Let’s go. The cost of not trying will be the one who got away. And you don’t want that. You already have that. We got this.

  And so, away i went... and behold—the unexpected, again. it’s been hours, and she hasn’t arrived yet. i can feel the hope slowly fading away. it is getting a little sad. All this over-analyzing business, and still, the unexpected. Tell me if this isn’t mockery. i say to myself: Maybe you won’t get to say goodbye this time, too. But that’s okay. That’s life. You’ll be okay, eventually. Just keep going. Remember—This is not the end.

  Yup. i’m always there for me. For better or for worse. Although this time... just for emotional support. i don’t have any answers, either. But i have to be strong. For me. it is almost midnight, and she didn’t come. i’m sad. i want to cry so badly. This is the past repeating itself, and i’m just speechless. The hollow and heavy feeling inside the chest is back. Am i sad or am i angry? i honestly cannot tell. i remember now—this is exactly the kind of feeling i was running away from. Yeah, i’ve been here before, and behold... i’m here again. Why does this keep happening to me?

  Maybe i should’ve just asked her yesterday. But i thought that i had a tomorrow. The thing is that we think that we have more time. While in reality—you never know when you’re seeing someone for the last time. You just don’t. You can’t. You thought you had more time? i mean... i’m speechless. i still remember her walking away from the lift, i didn’t even get to wave goodbye. She was heading to the exit looking for her cab, and i thought—maybe tomorrow. And, my dear, tomorrow never came.

  i got on my bike and put on the helmet. And as soon as i put on the helmet, something shifted. The tears started rolling and there was nothing i could do. i drove home crying.

The Aftermath

Acceptance is always the hardest part. Although the internship already ended yesterday. Today, i went there again. There i was… waiting for her, once again. Hoping that she might show up. i mean... hope, am i right? Even though i know she probably won’t show up, here i am… waiting, wishing, wanting. What do you call that? But then, something inside me shifted and i decided to finally leave this place behind. i deposited my intern badge and left the building at about 1630 hours. i’m not feeling well. i’m not feeling anything, for that matter. it’s like everything went a little quiet. i knew something was echoing, but i couldn’t quite place it.

  While driving i felt like i could’ve given her the world, if only she had asked for it... it hurts when good things turn into lessons. This was the final blow. The eight-foot fence was finally melted. And the kid living inside it, finally came up to the surface. Merging two separate misfortunes into one. i say to myself—no, don’t. Please don’t fucking cry. And the tears start falling. The more i say, all the more i cry. i try to smile but it just doesn’t work like it once used to. in the past, whenever i felt like crying, i smiled instead. And it went away. But not today. Today, i cried like a baby.

  i thought i’d die without her when she didn't show up. But i’m still here… existing. Maybe emotions do exaggerate things a bit. i used to like hazelnuts very, very much. Nowadays, all i get is an empty feeling that reminds me of her. i switched my coffee to black, but coffee isn’t the issue here, is it? i woke up today at about 0300 hours, and all i could think about was her. Replaying the moments over and over again until noon. i don’t feel like getting out of bed today. And i don’t necessarily have to. i think i’ll stay here a while...

  A couple of days have passed, and here i am—writing, whatever this is... After writing all of this... i think it has finally passed. i’m back to my tragic self. And she has become from a possibility to a distant memory...

Sources:

  – image by Alex Stone on Unsplash

Until next time... ✌️

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